#164

*HideousMonologue*


Have a deep thinking
what should I do next?
Hoping?
Waiting?

But wait...

Hoping? Hoping for what?
Waiting? Is there even worth to be waiting on something that... Well, something that not even clear.

And so, I walked away.

Giving some spaces,
Giving some time,
Give it a rest.

It is the time.

Just go, I will let you go and never hold you back again.

#163

*HideousMonologue*

Your eyes reflect the stars

In such a way that I

Can almost see the future

And it is so beautiful

#162

*HideousMonologue*


Before I sleep, I glimpse at the star.

It twinkles under where my lashes are

Only to whisper about who you are.

"He's just a friend my dear" said the star.

I guessed I used the wrong words when I talked to the stars.

I wished to never lose you and it sort of worked.

I should've been more specific,

Cause I wanted us to be bonded by love.

You are not away, 

But you are not here yet.

#161

*HideousMonologue*


New journey has begun!

Please pray for me...

#160

*HideousMonologue*

I miss how we used to be,

So vibrant, so honest, so wild and free.

I miss the way you would understand,

Listen carefully, and be there when I needed a hand.

I miss our long, random talks at night,

Our private conversations,

Our silly little fights.

I miss the way you could read my mind,

Know what to say,

When words were hard to find.

I miss the way you could brighten my day,

Make me forget the mistakes,

Make the pain go away.

I miss how you made me laugh,

Hate how you made me cry,

Loved how you said you would always be there

#159

*HideousMonologue*


3 Men in my life.

1 of them is my daddy.

1 of them is my Ex.

And another 1 is 

I don't know how to describe you.

My muse? maybe not

My Bf? Quite sure it doesn't went that well yet.

My intended? hmmm.. Lets hoping for the best.



putrisy? these indicates that EX

yaya_t? Obviously for you my dear.


Seeing you is making me happy.
Being with you really made my day.
talking to you is something that I always treasure the most

Thanks for being a very superb "friend" at all.
No need for me to emphasize it anymore, Aishiteru~

#158

*HideousMonologue*


Mumsie|Me


"Kakak xde boyfriend?"

"Xde"

"Serius la"

"nmpak muka kakak main2 ke?"

"Xdela. xkn xde kenal2 ngan sape2?"

"kakak da syg someone tp ade org tu yg buat hal."

"hmmm.."

#157

*HideousMonologue*


Penat.
Rindu
Lemah
Stress


Bury them deep
Seal them tight
Struggle? serve you right

#156

*HideousMonologue*

The car wasn't mine. I didn't enter the car instead of walking away from that place. You drove those car going inside the pond. What the hell! I was panicked. I asked the boy stay still and I just jump into the pond. What the hell i was thinking. You have sit inside the pond and smiling. You are out of your mind dude!

I pulled you over and yet you still can smile? Damn! I dont know how I can swimming so sudden. "Are you out of your mind? Do you want to die that badly? you laugh and laugh. I'm having a long sighed. Just stop it! Do you think this is a joking matter?"

"Well, at least i still know that you care for me. U saved me this time"

"Of course I care for you, you fool! You deserve someone better. Good bye. Have a good life. I will always pray for your happiness."



The end..

Farewell

God knows when we shall meet again.

#155

*HideousMonologue*

There was me, C n her friend. I was babysitting my friend's boy as she need to go somewhere. We are trying to get something to eat for dinner. After we order ours, and when we are about to enter the diner, I heard those voices that I damn miss so much. I was peeking and yes, it was them. The whole family are there. Tears are going to fall. But I tried with all my might to refrain them.

I'd told C that we are going to another diner to have dinner. Maybe our conversation has caught up their attention and they began to realize and recognize us.  I'd told her to go take the car as we will not having dinner here. While waiting for them, I just sat around the little pond nearby while watching the kid.

Someone coming from behind of me. It was you. I was glad to meet you. But in a meantime I was so sad. Thinking that we are never have any chance together. Tried to went away. But u said that u will leave after giving the pack of plastics. It was the food that we have ordered before! He said this is ur food. Please do not waste them just because of me. I have put the others packages inside the car and you don't have to wait for C as I asked her to go home. I was speechless. It wasn't my car. I don't know whose car is it..

To be continued...

Trying hard to reach out

But when I tried to speak out

Felt like no one could hear me

Wanted to belong here

But something felt so wrong here

So I prayed I could break away

#154

*HideousMonologue*

Dah x perlu kisah ye?

Baiklah.

#153

*HideousMonologue*


kadang kadang,
rasa ada air yang mengalir,
bukan dari kolam mata,
tapi menitis dari hati,

manusia melihat,
ada senyum pada wajah,
ceria,
namun perit hati,
hanya Tuhan yang tahu,

maka,
pada siapa lagi mampu mengadu,
selain pada Tuhan,
yang bisa ‘melihat’ hati.. :')

#152

*HideousMonologue

"The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness"


Thank you mak. I am so sorry. Truly deeply sorry.

Time will rectify all those things. Ya Allah. Please make ease. I am just your mere servants that seeking for your help. Amin ya rabbalalamin.

#151

*HideousMonologue*


First thing first. I miss mak. Yes I miss her so much. But I know how much she was frustrated and mad at me right now.. I kept blaming myself for what was happened. Deepest sorry from me to all of you.

It has been finalized. And I dont know how to explain to ayah n ibu. What should I do next? It is very disturbing me. Can I just disappear just like that? Or even going to someplace where nobody knows me and I can just live alone by myself. Or even worst, I want to completely vanish from this life. Lately, I have figure that I tend to run from my own problems. I hate to think what is the solutions for all of that. I hate to think what is the consequences that will occur. Yes, I am so coward to deal with it. I dont know how to handle them. I can try to solve others. But for mine? Sigh.. What is wrong with me? Even I dont have the right answer. I have nobody to share my probs anymore. Is it because of I dont have real friends? Or is it me who just dont wanna hear something that doesnt fit to my hearing. 

I am so sorry if the expectation is sucks. And as what I said, it kept playing in my mind. Hell yeah it is not what we're think of.

All in all, I do miss u and u kept appeared in my dreams. It made me so miserable when it ends up with some tears after woke up.

°Mistakes are made and my heart is sore. Our distance are grew and grew some more°

#150

*HideousMonologue*

P/s: I am so happy for u kak win. Baby Ammar, welcome to the world. kakak loves you. :) 

#149

*HideousMonologue*


I dont know what to do.
I dont know with whom I want to share.
All I know is, I want to cry and run away. 

But where can I go?
Everybody is changing.
Everybody is making things difficult.

I was hoping that something happen to me or even admitted because of something serious.
Yes, it is such a coward to run away from problems.

what should i do?

T_T

#148

*HideousMonologue*


Do not cry.

Don't cry young girl,

you can make it through this world

forget what everyone thinks

so shy, so unheard.

I've been there,

Not a good feeling.

No time at all,

silently healing.

I'm not good with words,

nor with actions.

But if you went for it,

imagine their reactions.

p/s: Missing someone

#147

*HideousMonologue*

T_T

Gap is wider now.....
Am I uncomprehended child?
How to act like I dont Care?
It will obviously shown.

Can I go anywhere else instead of home?

T_T

#146

*HideousMonologue*

After several wishes, alhmdulillah.

This baby is turning 26!!! huhuh. 26?? huhuh can't even accept it at the first time. Well, there is someone said to me that "Age is just a number" Okay! I will keep that saying. :p


I don't need with the celebrations or even the presents. It is just a simple but meaningful wish from someone that I care and love beside my family. Thank you. You know who you are.

Well, chin up lil baby. Face all those circumstances with open heart. You can do it baby!


p/s: It is January dude! T_T

#145

*HideousMonologue*


Woke up this morning with sad feeling because of the phone call. Life must go on!

Took a bath, get ready for work. Suddenly heard of children's crying and the great shouting from both daddy and child. What on earth have you been thinking, shouting early in the morning in front of others house?

Then daddy called mama and said "Pukul 7:30 ke 8:30 ni? hai. bengang betol. Ni anak awk buat hal plak xnk trun. Menyusahkan hidup je la"

To daddy, please be reasonable and muster all the patience when you are dealing with kids. Not all the kids are easy to handle. 

I was wondering. can my future other half has the patience to deal with kids? Ya Allah, I was afraid that I will get someone like this daddy this morning. Ya Allah, Please grant me to have someone who love kids and have a little patience with them. That's all I can ask for.


p/s: Can I sleep the whole day today?